I don't really understand what is wrong with me. Why is it that I'm 33 years old and I don't have any friends and why I'm still single. According to Facebook I have more friends than I can count, but none of them are people iI can call when I am feeling like this. I don't have anyone in my life who is willing to spend more than a few minutes with me.
I think I am a good person. I am kind, I am empathetic, I am honest, I am intelligent, I'm even kind of funny, yet I'm still not someone anyone wants to spend more than a couple minutes with.
I have been single for a couple days more than a year now. He was only single for a couple of months and has had another woman living with him for I'm not really sure how long but it was only a few months after we broke up. I don't understand why he was so mean to me. I don't understand how he went from being someone who was "going to marry me some day" to someone who could say, "I love you but I don't respect you" to someone who can replace me then say I can't take the high road because I was on a dating site while we were still living together (after we had decided he would move out but we wouldn't be officially broken up until  he moved out).
It's fucked up. How can someone like him find someone so quickly and yet here I am completely alone a year lately? I really wanted to make things work with him but I couldn't because I couldn't handle being with someone who was so mean to me. Because I do actually have enough self respect to not let myself be treated like that, even if it took me so long to finally see it for what it was.
I feel like I am working so hard to do good for myself. I do yoga all the time, i eat healthy, I try to do things that make me feel healthy, yet I still can't find a job that I can live on (teaching made me miserable, I can't make a living selling insurance), I can't make any friends, and I can't find anyone willing to go on a date with me. What is so terribly wrong with me and how do I fix it? Most of the time I am ok, but sometimes I just get so lonely. I don't want to be this way forever. I like living alone, but I don't want to live alone forever. I want to know what it's like to be in a relationship that's actually right for me, but is there even anyone out there who could possibly be "right" for me? I am not seeing any evidence. I don't understand it. What is it that is so terrible about me? What am I msising? There has to be something. 

I just saw a Facebook post that kind of bothered me for many reason.

This is absolutely ridiculous. How greedy and lazy can you be? If you want a job that will pay you well, GET A DEGREE. Fast food workers don't deserve $15 an hour. Half the time, they forget to put the straw in my bag! Lol. Not everything should be handed to you!!!!

I really, really wanted to respond, but since I don't know the person very well and knew it wouldn't do much good, I decided against it. This person is 21, and I realize just how little I knew at 21. When I was growing up I always had everything I needed, I did very well in school, and there was never any question that I would go to college. It's pretty easy to think that one's own circumstances are the norm, that those who don't have it as easy as you do are just being lazy, or aren't trying hard enough, or are in some way inferior to oneself. Some people never get past that.

The "GET A DEGREE" part bothered me for several reasons. I'm sure when I was 21 I believed that everyone should go to college, that going to college was necessary for adult success, that getting a degree would guarantee that one would be able to make a good living after college, and all of the other things middle class people are brought up believing. Actually, these beliefs are forced upon many high school aged kids by teachers, school counselors, and pretty much everyone.

There are several things wrong with this. First of all, not everyone can afford to go to college. Sure, there are things like TOPS, scholarships, and grants that can help out, but not everyone is eligible for those things, and most people still end up with a stupid amount of student loans to pay off when they graduate and many can't really justify it with their post college earnings.

Another problem is many people get college degrees and still can't figure out what to do with them once they graduate. A lot of people think they know what they want to do when they are 18-years-old, but most of them end up doing something completely different. Most people change majors a bunch which ends up costing them more money. People get a college degree then realize there are actually not many offerings in that career after all, or they will need an advanced degree to get a job in their field which will end up costing them even more money, and their future earnings won't justify it. I got my degree 7 years ago and up until recently was still trying to figure out what to do with my life and now I'm going into something completely unrelated that doesn't really require a college degree.

And of course, some people don't have the luxury of taking four or more years off from being a grown up to get a college degree. Some people don't have it as good as those of us who have parents supporting them for as long as they need it. Some people didn't grown up with the support system necessary to do well in high school. Some people have to worry about feeding younger siblings and their own children, and thus need to find a job right away. When I was working at Woodlawn, I had students who often missed high school because they had to go to work or they had to stay at home to take care of their babies. Does it really make sense to yell at these people that they are being lazy because they did not GET A DEGREE. Is it really so crazy that someone who works full time thinks she deserves to make enough money to support herself?

I got out my viola for the first time in I don't even know how long tonight. I know it's been over a year. I dream about it nearly every night. Dreams where I am longing to play in a group but am for some reason prevented from doing so. I really miss playing in an orchestra. I don't even know how to go about doing it as an adult. I've tried doing internet searches for community orchestras but I haven't found any within a reasonable driving distance. How do you get back into playing music as an adult? I've never really been all that fond of playing by myself. I prefer playing with a group--a symphony, a string orchestra, a quartet, or any other kind of small ensemble. Any type of group. Is it weird to be a grown up and trying to find a private teacher? In my adolescence I could either be in the school orchestra or when that wasn't a possibility I could play in a youth orchestra. My senior year of high school I played in my high school orchestra as well as with the Pasadena Philharmonic, a community orchestra. I didn't have to audition. I just went and played. I even got payed a small amount for each performance.
I miss music. I don't even realize how much I miss it until I wake up crying from a dream where I am prevented from playing in some ensemble.
What if I made the wrong decision so many years ago? But music requires the kind of dedication I've never been able to devote to anything. I just want to be able to play, for fun, with other people. I have no idea how to go about doing that. I am at a strange point in my life where I do not know any musicians. In my youth, my teens, my very early 20s, before I left LSU, before I had my first big, big failure, that resulted from my worst depression (the only one I've had that was in any way similar is the one I'm going through lately).
I am so disconnected right now. I have friends... well, acquaintances, really, at work. I don't really know anyone I have enough in common with to develop anything like a real friendship. We can relate as teachers, as people who deal with the same group of students every day, but for the most part, that's it. They're all married, they all have kids, they all believe in god... and of course, of one one of them asked me if I believe in God and I am can't lie, especially with yes or no questions.
How do I not have any musician friends? Now is it it that for from the age of 11 until the age of 21 I first identified as a music and then that just disappeared? It never really left me, but anyone new in my life doesn't know that music was such a huge part of who I was for such a huge part of my life, such a huge part of my development.
It hasn't left me. I miss it all the time.

I'm feeling a little down tonight. I checked my work e-mail to find out if there was any news about the upcoming school year. I find that the parish emailed us a Principals List for the 2013-2014 school year. I open it up to find out that I'm going to have a new principal and two new assistant principals this coming school year. Only one assistant principal is staying. I was a little freaked out. So, I texted a coworker to find out if she knew about it. It turns out she did because she had e-mailed our principal to let him know she wasn't coming back, only to find out he wasn't coming back either. She got a job at a much better school (basically moving from the worst high school in the parish to the best). So, I found out the one person at work I thought I had the potential for a real friendship with is leaving. I'm pretty nervous. I go back to work in a week and school starts a week from Monday. I don't know what is going to happen. I'm not entirely sure what I am going to be teaching. My previous principal and planned for me to move down to Algebra I but will the current principal want the same thing? I don't know who is still going to be around this year who was there last year. This school tends to turnover teachers very quickly. Many teachers said they were planning on staying but now that one of them who said that is leaving, it's possible the rest could be leaving too! I'm planning on going up there Saturday to work on my classroom (and find out where my classroom is--if I have a different classroom or not) and hopefully I'll have something of an idea of what is going on?

It feels like my summer has been so short. I spent most of it in summer school. Summer school has only been over for a week now. I'm pretty anxious about going back. I really need to start getting read.

I bought a car Saturday. It's a 2008 Honda Accord. I am really happy with it. It's definitely nice to have two cars now. It could get really frustrating being stuck in my apartment alone every time Ryan went to work. Of course, I am still in my apartment alone, but I could leave if I wanted to!

In other news, I got my hair cut and a mani/pedi today. I hadn't had a pedicure any a ridiculously long time. My feet seem to have regained their original ticklishness! Yesterday I dyed my hair and used a depilatory cream on my upper lip and it actually worked! So, I'm feeling pretty even though I'm lonely. :) I also got a run in this morning. I hadn't ran since Saturday morning and that was cut really short by the car dealership calling me to let me know that the Honda was once again available--I had been communicating with a dealer about the car and he had let me know the previous day that it was all but sold and it ended up falling through. I'm thinking about training for a 15k in 10 weeks. I would like to do a 10k first but there don't seem to be many of those around here. My sister said my dad is thinking about doing a half marathon in March and it would be awesome if I could do it with him!

This morning I went on a walk with my mom. I noticed my shadow now has a distinct neck and figure. Not too long ago it was neckless and round.

Also, when I see my reflection in glass doors I am pleased with my appearance when once I was disgusted with it.

I have lost 70 pounds now. I am probably about the same size I was in 10th or 11th grade. I never thought I would be this size again. When I was a 22 I thought I would be really happy to be a 16 and now I am fitting into 12s.

For the first time in my life I am actually really happy with my body (well, my appearance anyhow). Last time I was this size and I thought I was really fat (I guess most girls do at that age). I do intend to lose more weight but if I didn't, it wouldn't be the end of the world.

This is so new to me, actually feeling confident about my appearance.

Today, I am am one week without cigarettes. I'd been in the "process of quitting" for about a year and a half. My last pack I had decided was my last pack (of course, there were dozens of those, I'm sure) and then Friday my throat was hurting so bad I had no desire to smoke, and Saturday was about the same, I so figured I'd go ahead and run with it. I still had four cigarettes left in my pack, which I gave to my neighbor.

The first couple of days were ok since I was sick. Day three I was having annoying cravings all day but physically I was ok. Then day four I felt like shit. Now I've got this horrible disgusting cough that I've heard can last up to a month. Otherwise, it hasn't been too bad. The cravings are annoying, but manageable.

In other news, I went to both Shreveport Atheists meetings this month (I'd only been to one before and that was over two years ago). It's really nice to get a chance to socialize with people, especially people who aren't either family or my sister's friends (ok, so there is someone at the meetings who is a friend of my sister's but that's just a coincidence). My sister's friends are great and all, but they're still my sister's friends and it's not like I could hang out with them without my sister around. It would be nice to make some friends of my own, or at least friendly acquaintances. It's been a long time since I've had any. Most of the time I'm ok with it--I've learned that I actually really like spending time by myself when I'm not worrying about being lonely all the time.

I think I've been happier. I was getting pretty depressed for awhile there but I think that has gotten better since I quit smoking pot.

I never thought I would be a smoker. Both my parents smoked when I was a child and I thought it was disgusting and stupid (which it is). I didn't start smoking until I was 22 (except for a few months when I was 21 but that didn't last longer), and I really couldn't tell you why or how I started, except one of my first cigarettes was a clove given to me by a girl I was attracted to. I was really depressed at the time and I'm sure that had a lot to do with it. I am now "in the process of quitting" and have been for months. I'm down to 2-3 a day but I never smoked more than half a back a day.

I also thought I would never eat dairy again in my vegan days. I was vegan from 2000 until, hmmm, 2004, maybe? I don't remember exactly when the cheese started calling to me, but it did and I couldn't resist. I still believe in it, but I don't know if I'll ever be vegan again. It's not like I ever did it properly. I mostly ate grains (I actually gained weight when I went vegan) and I definitely snuck cookies every once in awhile even though I knew they had eggs in them.

I believe there were times in my early teens when I didn't think I would have sex before I was married (I even made a pledge at church but anything I did at church was just an attempt at trying to fit in and I realized I was an atheist a year or two later). I wouldn't be surprised if in my early twenties I didn't think I would ever have sex with anyone I wasn't in a relationship with or didn't love and I'm sure I never thought I would ever do anything like have a one night stand. I don't know if I ever swore I wouldn't do those things but I know my self back then would be a little shocked.

I also thought I would never give up music. I remember as a teenager agreeing with someone who didn't understand how someone "used to play" and instrument. Of course, I still consider myself someone who plays the viola but I only ever pick it up about twice a year, so I'm hardly a musician. This one is of course something I don't do that I swore I would do forever, as opposed to something I do now that I swore I would never do.

So, myself at 17 (or 19 for the vegan thing) would be very disappointed in myself at 27.

The last week or so has been more eventful than most. Last Tuesday I had my Interview Day for TeachLSUS. It involved 5 minute teaching samples by the participants, a group discussion, a writing sample, and a personal interview. For the most part I thought it went okay, although I didn't finish my writing sample and there were some questions during the personal interview that I didn't really know how to answer. Like, what would you do if you had an unruly class (I don't remember the exact phrasing), and what would be the benefits of teaching in an underpriveledged school. They probably didn't like my answer to the question, "What will you do if you're not accepted into this program?" I said I would go to graduate school... in mathetmatics.

Saturday, I took the Praxis II, the Mathematics Content Knowledge test. It went well, except, of course, the part where I had to be there at 7:30am and couldn't sleep the night before. I may have missed a few questions, but I'm certain I passed.

Then yesterday, I got a letter saying I was not accepted into TeachLSUS. I was pissed. I mean, I'm definitely qualified for the program, and I was doing the highest need area, and I have a really strong background in that area. I think it's stupid that they didn't accept me. Now, I admit that I've been really nervous about this teaching thing and worried that it might not be right for me, but I do think I'd be a good teacher. And I definitely know my shit. But I guess they don't want math teachers who actually know math. No, that's just crazy talk.

So, I have no idea what I am going to do with my life. I definitely want to go to grad school, but that requires getting into grad school, which I'm not so certain about (it didn't work before, when I was applying before the first time I was supposed to graduate). And I would still need something to do with my life between now and Fall 2009, which is the earliest point I would be able to start any PhD program since it's way too late for this fall and for most places you have to enter in the fall. I need to find a job. A real job. A job that involves using my math degree.

In other news, my guinea pig died last Wednesday. Tuesday night I'd noticed she wasn't feeling well. When I walked towards her cage she didn't run and hide in her "house", she just lay there. There was also blood in her cage. I was really freaked out. She was still alive but obviously feeling awful. I held her for a long time then cleaned her cage, then held her some more. When I woke up in the morning she seemed to be feeling a bit better. I spend some time with her then made her a vet appointment for 3:15pm. I took my mom to the doctor then we had lunch then when we got home, Zoe was dead. I had no idea I would be as upset as I was when Zoe died. I had her for over four years, so she was getting up there in age, so I knew it was coming. And when my mom and I were out I suspected that she might be dead when I got home. I was still really sad. I kept myself busy the rest of the day. I cleaned all of her stuff. We buried her. Then I spent the rest of the day rearranging my room. I vacuumed a lot but I'm sure I'll still be finding bits of guinea pig food and hay for a long time. I found some in my bed the other day even though I'd washed my sheets since then. My mom found someone through some yahoo group she's on to give Zoe's stuff to. So, it's not around here anymore, for which I am glad. And I'm glad someone else could find it useful.

Otherwise, I've been doing well. I'm taking Real Analysis this semester and it's probably been one of my best experiences taking a class because I've made friends with most of my classmates. (And I also love Real Analysis.) This having friends things has been great. It's amazing what just a small amount of socialization can do. I don't really need that much and I do enjoy my time to myself, but when I have none at all I get incredibly lonely. And it was bad when I only had one friend who never talked to me. I'm a little sad that the semester is almost over (one more class then the final). I fear that will be the end of my social life for awhile.

So, I think that's about it for now. Except: 18 days until Radiohead! :)

It's snowing--and it's sticking!

I really don't feel like studying. I just spent about two hours in the bathtub reading, mostly because I don't feel like studying. There's a test tomorrow and I haven't really done any work and I really don't feel like it and I don't even know why I'm taking it if I'm not really enjoying it and I don't want to do any work; it's not like I actually need it, like it's actually going to apply to anything. I like my other class. Actually, I don't hate this one. I don't know what the deal is. I just don't really care. I would just rather sit around and read or play video games or watch movies or other things that involve not studying. I enjoy the actual going to class part.